The personal website of Chris Coyier

Archive for January, 2006

This is some preeemo shit, dude.

Friday, January 20th, 2006

I know it’s the cool thing to do lately to hate hippies. But let it be known, I’ve been hating hippies since long before it was cool, and I even used to be one (or at least I thought I was). Allow me to present some of my research:

  1. 1. Attitude
    “Make love, not war.” “Everything is gonna be alright.” “Take it easy.” All these clichés are a bit outdated now, but the attitude is still present. It’s the over-the-top pacifism in speech which always sounds very insincere and is often packed with contradictions.
  2. 2. Music
    Jambands. There must be some secret initiation ceremony that happens for bands, where once passed, all hippies worldwide know who you are and really dig your grooves. No other type of music is acceptable to the hippie, despite being “open-minded”. They may even be as callous as covering their ears if they come is close contact with non-jamband music.
  3. 3. Drugs
    ANY drugs. Hippies love and indulge in any kind of mind-altering substance known to man. Even drugs that are extremely non-Earth friendly (meth), can make you angry and violent (cocaine, booze), or have absolutely no lasting spiritual value (nitrous, salvia). This category is important to expose the hypocrisy of many hippies. For example, a hippie I once knew came down on me for not using energy-efficient light fixtures in my shitty college apartment. Then on our way home from the bar, he ripped a small tree out of the ground, stole some private property, and passed out on his couch with all the lights on.
  4. 4. Appearance
    This category is THE MOST IMPORTANT, as will be explained later.
    Knappy Dreads. Tie Dye. Hemp. Long Skirts. Patchwork pants. Homemade shirts. Expensive Birkenstocks. Bandanas. Hippies have lots of fashion options, but it’s always unmistakable. In fact, it is much easier to tell the difference between a hippie and a businessman at 100 yards than Oprah and Danny DeVito.

You may be able to tell now that it is the HYPOCRISY that defines the true hippie; its preaching tolerance while shutting out others; it’s protesting for better environmental practice on Friday and trashing a campground on Saturday; its pretending life is about art and creativity and then living in a homogeneous culture where everybody has the same opinions and every booth sells the same glass pipes, spiritual geodes, and Steal Your Face T-Shirts. (You want to see art and creativity? Check out incredible stuff constantly at FreshArrival and Inhabitat)

This is all coming across negatively, which is mostly true. I have no tolerance for hippies going into pizza joints and asking for free food for “a bunch of homeless kids” when they really mean a bunch of healthy, white, young-adults on an amazing trans-America vacation-of-a-lifetime. But don’t take everything here at face value. Just because you like jambands doesn’t make you stink, and if you are into making your own clothing doesn’t mean you freebase and hate your parents.

I say this because according to my own list, I’m three-quarter hippie.

I like me some jambands (I still have a Phish patch on my backpack). I love a good bong rip, and I’m a pretty passive guy in general. But you know what I wear? Jeans and sweatshirts, khakis and flannel shirts, nylon shorts and t-shirts. I don’t LOOK like a hippie, so I’m completely unaccepted in their community. What, do I look a like a narc? Maybe I fucking should be, get some of you hippies off the streets.

The Rising Cost of Gas -or- The Freshmaker Takes On New Meaning

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

Man alive. I’ve had super bad gas the last couple days. Very unusual for me, especially at this “really shouldn’t leave the house” level.

Jackson Gastroentology reports these foods as contributors to gas:

  1. Legumes: Especially dried beans and peas, baked beans, soy beans, lima beans
  2. Milk Products: Milk, ice cream, cheese
  3. Vegetables: Cabbage, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, cucumbers, sauerkraut, kohlrabi, asparagus
  4. Root Vegetables: Potatoes, rutabaga, turnips, radishes, onions
  5. Fruits: Prunes, apricots, apples, raisins, bananas
  6. Cereals & Breads: Cereals, breads, pastries, and all foods containing wheat and wheat products. Check labels
  7. Fatty Foods: Pan-fried or deep-fried foods, fatty meats, rich cream sauces and gravies, pastries, and any high-fat food. Check labels.
  8. Liquids: Carbonated beverages, fizzy medicine

So… almost everything.

I have concluded that the only food you can eat to totally avoid gas is: Mentos. I’m thinking of going on an all-Mentos diet for a while, I’ll report later.

Isn’t she a beautiful pride?

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

We all know that:

  1. Bitch-slaps obliterate pride

    Newton tells us that every action must have an equal and opposite reaction

    The closest opposite action to a bitch-slap would HAVE TO be a high-five.

    Be it resolved then, that if bitch-slaps obliterate pride:

  2. High-fives MUST give or transmit pride.

    The person below is clearly pointing out the exact moment and location of the pride transmission.

    This is pure science.

Applications:

In order to maintain ones pride equilibrium, a healthy balance, in the eyes of an outside observer such as a friend, of bitch-slaps and high-fives must be maintained.

Pride disequilibrium is especially dangerous in the case of a person who is always willing to bitch-slap but never willing to high-five. This person absorbs pride that is obliterated from others during a bitch slap, but never returns pride to others through high-fives. This person is a pride sponge.

Salvador Dali vrs. Salvia Divinorum

Monday, January 16th, 2006

Very similar names, and they both make you see melting clocks.

I took a big hit of the latter this weekend and these things happened:

  1. Felt very light headed
  2. Lost all balance
  3. Earth’s Gravity Changed
  4. Fell on floor giggling like a schoolgirl
  5. The TV started mocking me
  6. Tried to stand up and fell
  7. Threw dirty plate onto floor
  8. Gravity returned to normal
  9. Crawled back onto couch
  10. Took another hit
  11. Something

(Elapsed time: 5 minutes)

MacWorld SF

Wednesday, January 11th, 2006

Laaaame. The new laptops are nice products, but “MacBook”? pff. That name just doesn’t sit right with me. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. Would have been nice if they supported an HD resolution also.

Here are the products that they SHOULD have released:

  1. a 42″ and 50″ Apple Plasma. 1080p and littered with inputs (2 DVI, 1 HDMI, 1 VGA, 3 Component, 2 Composite, 2 S-Video). Beautifully designed dark grey theme. More expensive than others in it’s class: $3000 on the 42″ and $5000 on the 50″.
  2. Intel Mac Minis. Twice as fast, 1 GB of RAM standard, Built-in wireless & bluetooth, dual-layer DVD burner drive optional. Comes with FrontRow. Perfect home entertainment center addition.
  3. Horizontal Video iPod. Double the screen size to and almost watchable size. Outputs 480p over component.

Tuh.

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Cor Blimey! It’s always something isn’t it?

Here are some things it could be:

  1. Screwed up the first number on your daily Su-Do-Ku puzzle
  2. Can’t keep flies off face in last seconds of life
  3. Got outbid at last second on sweet new 50″ plasma
  4. Over-the-counter dandruff shampoo isn’t cutting it
  5. Didn’t cut deep enough
  6. Made whole batch of angel hair pasta and garlic alfredo sauce before realizing you HATE alfredo sauce
  7. Can’t decide whether to to eat the mermaid flesh for a chance at immortality, since it might turn you into a hideous monster
  8. Sick of all your CD’s
  9. Had to kill yourself so Goldie would be safe
  10. Can’t think of anything to blog about so have to go back to working

A Scanner Darkly

Monday, January 9th, 2006

There is a new Keanu Reeves movie coming out (trailer: A Scanner Darkly). It seems it’s going to be in the visual style of ‘A Waking Life’ (only probably a little higher budget) and with the Reeves-Requisite of cheezy sci-fi (see Johnny Mnemonic, Matrix, Chain Reaction….). Am I going to hate it? Already do. Am I going to see it? Obviously.

Here are some more ideas for future Keanu movies:

  1. Keanu rides a robot-tiger named ‘Kitty’ through alternate universes and shoots people with laser sunglasses. Shoot it like Sky Captian & The World of Tommorow (kind of sepia)
  2. In the not-so-distant future, nanotechnology starts to invade all the major industries, only it starts to go wrong and the miniture robots start eating everything they come in contact with. Keanu has to be shrunk down to the size of a molecule where he will fight off the super king Nanobot and save the world.
  3. Keanu is an astronaut from Earth investigating a mysterious space ship that has floated into our galaxy. They think the spaceship is empty at first, but then they sense a life form aboard, and it turns out to be Keanu from a different galaxy, and knows all the information about the other astronauts that he couldn’t have known. It turns out all galaxies have the exact same people in them, and it has been physically impossible to travel between them, until now… plus there is shooting and explosions and stuff.

Kia

Sunday, January 8th, 2006

Why buy used when you can buy a Kia?

I dunno, here are some pretty good reasons:

  1. Kias are pieces of shit
  2. Kias are ugly as shit
  3. Kias have shit for resale value
  4. New Kias don’t have even close to the safety and reliability ratings that even 5-year old Honda’s have
  5. You aren’t going to get into even the shittiest Kia for under 10 grand where you can easily find a nice clean Civic a few years old with under 40k miles for 7-8 grand.
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