Archive for the ‘In The News’ Category

The Magical Fruit

Friday, April 28th, 2006

A recent article on BBC News reports that scientists have developed a method of creating “super-nutritious but flatulence-free beans”.

Beans are a cheap and key source of nutrition especially in the developing world, but many people are thought to be put off by anti-social side-effects.

That puts a funny/tragic picture in my mind of one of those people living next to a dirty river in a little shack made out of trash with flies buzzing around their head refusing to eat beans because it will make them fart.

I love beans. Rice N Beans is one my my mainstays and favorite dishes. If they can keep this up, we won’t have to worry so much about the declining quality of fruits and vegetables.

Best kinds of beans:

<ol>

    <li>Black</li>
    <li>Kidney</li>
    <li>Green</li>
    <li>Baked</li>
    <li>Jelly</li>
    <li>Magical</li>

</ol>

Suri

Wednesday, April 19th, 2006

The highly anticipated debut of TomKat’s baby finally took place last night. There was few controversial media frenzies during the pregnancy. One involving Cruise requiring Katie (as well as all the doctors and nurses) to be silent during the delivery and another when Cruise told GQ he we be eating the placenta. Of course, both of these things made we want to punch him even harder than after I watched Vanilla Sky.

They named the child Suri, which means “pickpocket” in Japanese and “I’m so deep and fucking cultural you’ll never understand me” in Hollynglish.

What other names were the famous couple considering?

<ol>

    <li>Thomas Cruise Mapother V</li>
    <li>Mission Impossibilly</li>
    <li>Scientommy</li>
    <li>Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell II</li>
    <li>Moon Unit</li>
    <li>Little Ricky 2</li>
    <li>This One Isa Not Adopted</li>

</ol>

White Stripes®

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Jim Diamond, the sound mixer from the 2000 White Stripes album “De Stijl”, is suing the White Stripes. He says he deserves a portion of the royalties from the album since he helped developed the band’s “signature sound”.

I was aware of the importance of sound mixers. They certainly have a lot to do with the quality of a recording and therefore its success. But to claim you are owed royalties because you helped create their sound? Preposterous. Especially when we are talking about a band that has enjoyed successful live shows well before and after this album, completely without this joker. Besides, I would think people working on big commercial recordings like this are well aware of their involvement and what their compensation will be.

This would be a bad precedent to set for bands worldwide.

If the White Stripes lose this case, who should they sue in return?

  1. Their fans, since they helped create their “signature look”
  2. The UN, for having an Army with seven nations
  3. Dodge, for selling a Neon with white stripes on it
  4. You, for not ringing their doorbell

It’s A Man Eat Dog World

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

A Louisiana newspaper is reporting that a man all goofed up on PCP and coke was walking down the street in his underware, covered in blood. When the dog he was carrying (and talking to) was examined, they found the ear all mangled and eaten. Surgeons were able to fix the dog up and even out the ears. The man is being prosecuted to the fullest, without possibility of probation, for animal torture.

Sometimes drugs make me hungry too.

Here are alternatives to dog-ear when you get the munchies:

  1. Unicorn Pancakes
  2. Microwaved Carl Budding Beef Slices
  3. Fajitas
  4. Funyuns
  5. Grilled Cheese Sandwich
  6. Tomato Soup
  7. Braised Vegetables Over Rice with Dog

Robot Snakes On A Plane

Monday, April 17th, 2006

After seeing this CNN article, Tim writes in to say:

We all know the day cannot come soon enough for the release of the blockbuster film Snakes on a Plane, but it would be irresponsible for us to think of a blockbuster movie without considering an equally epic sequel.

Therefore, I present to you “Robot Snakes on a Plane: You can’t kill us because we’re not really alive”

You can’t argue with that.

Here are some of the sequel titles that got scratched:

  1. Snakes on a Spaceship
  2. Salamanders in a Tent
  3. Bride of Snakes
  4. (Prequel:) Snakes in a Swamp
  5. United 93

Planes With Frickin’ Laser Beams

Thursday, April 13th, 2006

From cNet:

By the end of this year, the Air Force plans to conduct a first, fully loaded test flight of its Airborne Laser, a jumbo jet packed with gear designed to shoot down enemy missiles half a world away, at the speed of light. The ABL also packs a megawatt-class punch–it’s not exactly your garden-variety laser pointer.

Other things that should have powerful lasers attached to them:

  1. My Forearms
  2. The Hood of My Car
  3. The Peephole in My Front Door

It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane

Monday, April 10th, 2006

According to KTVU.com, a huge block of ice fell from the sky leaving a 3-foot hole in the ground on Sunday.

“It was totally amazing. … I saw this flash, like a streak. Then I saw this explosion, like a big boom! I came over and it (the field) was all covered with ice. Some were this big,” Purat said, making a head-size circle with his two hands.

<h3>What might this huge block of ice falling from the sky signify?</h3>

<ol>

    <li>Heaven freezing over</li>
    <li>Norse Mythology based Sci-Fi Original "Dark Kingdom" is so lame that Skadi, the Norse Goddess of Winter, is aiming to punish</li>
    <li>Cloud finally passed that kidney stone</li>
    <li>Young Wizard breaking important Wizard Non-Practice law</li>
    <li>Impending Apocalypse</li>
    <li>Nothing</li>

</ol>

Killing Spree

Friday, April 7th, 2006

Associated Press:

A Bengal tiger attacked and killed its owner at a former animal breeding business, the latest in a series of recent maulings involving captive exotic animals in the state….A 10-year-old boy was left partially paralyzed last summer after being attacked by a lion and tiger at a Little Falls residence. Last April, four tigers attacked and wounded a 37-year-old woman in southeastern Minnesota.

That’s a pretty crazy killing spree.

<h3>Why are tigers so violent in Minnestoa?</h3>

<ol>
    <li>Sick of people talking about the parking problem at the Mall of America</li>
    <li>Weather not quite as balmy as Southern India</li>
    <li>Being a prisoner just isn't their thing</li>
    <li>Disappointed that Midwestern Courtesty doesn't apply to tigers</li>
    <li>Unleashing revenge on the people for electing Jesse Ventura</li>
    <li>Hungry</li>

</ol>

Screendoor on a Battleship

Wednesday, April 5th, 2006

Associated Press:

Apple Computer Inc. unveiled software Wednesday to help owners of its new Intel-based Macs run Microsoft Corp.’s rival Windows XP operating system, despite the computer maker’s insistence it won’t assist such efforts.

I feel like I should be shocked, but at this point, if Apple says they absolutely aren’t going to do something, it pretty much means they are absolutely doing it.

<h3>Here are some other things Apple is probably working on:</h3>

<ol>
    <li>the iPlasma HDTV</li>
    <li>the Mac Mini Home Media Edition with DVR</li>
    <li>the iGo (Apple-centric replacement for your eGo)</li>
</ol>

Super Terrorist Sisters

Tuesday, April 4th, 2006

A couple of girls from Portage county in Ohio are facing criminal charges for making super mario brothers question-mark cubes out of cardboard and printed wrapping paper and hanging them around town. These super-cute ornaments “scared the dickins” out of the community, who thought them to be bombs. Even police chief Randall McCoy said they “could be deadly”. I guess these girls might need to use one of their extra lives.

Here are some other things we should criminalize children for:

  1. Making popcorn streamers
  2. Playing Capture the Flag
  3. Helping old ladies cross the street
  4. Rollerskating to school
  5. Breathing

More info and pictures:
– Ohio.com
– Engadget.com

Undermining Christian Beliefs

Monday, February 27th, 2006

Dan Brown, the author of the uber-popular novel ‘The DaVinci Code’ is being sued in Britian by Random House for allegedly taking material for his book from a non-fiction book, The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail. This is, of course, stirring up all old controversy that ‘The DaVinci Code’ is anti-Christian and…blahblahblah, “undermines core Christian beliefs.” Fucking crazy Christians. The book reads like an action-packed thrill-ride super-adventure. Oh yeah, and it’s a FICTION novel.

If they are going to be pissed off about this, here is a list of other stuff you should be pissed off about:

  1. Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in End of Days which glorifies Satan.
  2. The creators of Monty Python and the Holy Grail for suggesting that angels play horn instruments of their assholes.
  3. NBC for having a sitcom about a preacher who talks to God for guidance. Oops! They already are pissed about that, and pressured NBC to can the show, which they did.