35 at 35

I’m turning 35 later year so I thought I’d write down some important things I’ve learned.

1. Always hang out with people smarter than you. Or is it people like the same pizza toppings as you? No wait— it’s people that are up for hanging out that aren’t trying to friggin judge how smart you are, that’s it.

2. The days are long but the years are short but the hours that make up those days can go fast but each minute is long and then the decades end up feeling really long but when you die you’ll be like “that went fast” but your resurrection will feel kinda normal speed.

3. Don’t eat too many grains unless you are hungry.

4. Floss your toes.

5. Do reading.

6. If you are tired you should admit to yourself that it’s ok to be tired sometimes people get tired it’s fine.

7. Life is important ok so don’t fall into a vat of hot wax and turn into a crazy crayon-man super villain that some rag tag band of unlikely heroes is going to have to deal with.

8. Something something family.

9. Always try to do a good job toe flossing.

10. Own one good hooded sweatshirt. Then cut it intro strips, dip the strips in barbecue sauce, then hang them from a tree branch while chanting something vaguely about SEO.

11. If you get caught speeding just tell the cop her hair looks nice and also do you want to get a drink later im not busy so.

12. Learn to code. Or literally anything else.

13. Sports are cool and dumb.

14. If things get to be too much, take a “me day”. Unless you can’t just take off work any day you friggin feel like it like at some cushy tech job. Like, I dunno, you’re a single parent trying to keep everything together and you’d be fired from your job welding bike frames if you told your boss you didn’t come in because you just need a day to lay around and do nothing. Jimminy crickets.

15. Save your toe wax.

16. Eliminate all distractions like that mannequin in the attic that looks just like Paula Abdul that is probably staring at you through the ceiling right now.

17. I care a bunch about some stuff and very little about other stuff. You care different amounts about different stuff. Other people think differently about that stuff. There is a great balance to all this stuff-caring that makes the world both interesting and frustrating.

18. If I could have any mutant power it would be to twirl my finger in the air and it would make cotton candy that tastes like your mouth.

19. Only read about half way through dumb lists like this because you obviously get the point by now.

20. Your health is the most important thing. As your health improves, everything improves. You sleep better. You feel smarter. You feel more comfortable in your own skin. You feel like life is full of possibilities instead of limitations. You get sick less. You’re more patient. It’s easier to get a date. That one is weird because it’s like… do I just look better? Or am I more confident and that’s more attractive? Or is it because I just have more energy so my head is more in the game at those crucial moments when it matters? It’s probably all of those things. Plus this good health stuff seems to snowball into more good health. You actually want to make that doctor appointment instead of avoiding it because hey if you can fix that shoulder thing you’ll feel even better than you already do. You wonder what it’s like to feel like one of those actually skinny people that can like run a 10k no big deal and basically look like they glow. Is it worth trying to get there? Or does the health stuff have diminishing returns? Certainly it means less time writing stupid blog posts, right?

21. My only regret is not telling that one jerk to go fuck himself man fuck that guy and his wanna be a G bullshit seriously if i could go back in time id start that guys life on fire.

22. Marry your best friend or the first person that says yes after you beg and whine even though you both kinda know it’s a bad idea but you know biological clocks and all that good luck im rooting for you.

23. I got a haircut once.

24. No kiddin’ – cut the hairs right off my head.

25. Have goals like “I WILL fill this toe wax jar by the end of summer”

26. Try not to worry so much unless your churn rate is like 0.8% higher than you’d like at your dumb startup company or a literal tsunami is coming to destroy your village.

27. Something something you only live once, religion, money, tv, twitter, something, something, posture, dentist, toe wax, something.

28. I’m done with this stupid list. Learn to quit whenever you feel like it.