The personal website of Chris Coyier


Says the designer as he rips open a mustard packet too forcefully and it spatters on his sleeve.

If only these idiot mustard packet designers took pride in their craft, like I the web designer do. They shouldn’t be packets at all, but little syringes that excrete mustard in perfect lines. We could add a rate-limiter so it’s impossible the mustard comes out too fast. And pneumatics to help excretion once it has begun as to not exert ourselves or limit mustard consumption to only the strong-handed. If only these packet-designing fools had one ounce of common sense.

Never mind that lady over there in the white shirt who opened three in a row without incident. Never mind that I was able to open the second packet with no trouble. You only get one chance to make a first impression, Big Mustard, and now I’ll never think of you as anything but a careless, greedy corporation that cares more about profit than product.

Hold on, I need to tweet this picture of my sleeve. My designer friends are going to get a real snicker out of your incompetence. My day is ruined over here and now I’m out to ruin yours, you yellow bastards.

If you hired my firm to design these packets, as you obviously should have, we would have considered the user right from the start. Each packet would come with a full body plastic suit that auto-deploys around the person opening the packet to prevent incidents like this. We would mix mercury into the mustard to weigh it down and arrowroot to thicken it up so it’s impossible to splatter. And what’s with yellow? That’s a stain waiting to happen. Mustard should be as clear as water. Didn’t think of that, did you?

What is really embarrassing though is your lack of presentation. What mustard really needs is more thoughtful packaging. I’m thinking a little nested box made from shredded tires and bent road signs. Inside the packet lies on a bed of dried hemp. The logo is letterpressed into the box top and then it’s all tied together with twine. WAIT. And the packet is wearing a lucha libre mask. There are 15 different ones you can collect. Ever hear of “gamification”? Of course you haven’t you bourgeoisie rodent.

Originally published on The Pastry Box Project.