Being Wet is the Worst
This article about paying to be kidnapped reminded me about one of my biggest movie pet peeves.
First, about the kidnapping:
Romeo slapped me hard across the face, much harder than I had been slapped all night. Then he shocked me with a stun gun. Then Cody doused me with cold water, which was the worst part by far. When you get hit with a stun gun, it lasts a second. When someone throws cold water on you, it makes you miserable for hours. I hadn’t thought about cold water before this. I had thought about guns and billy clubs and knives. It never occurred to me how desperately I would want to stay dry. Now I would have gladly taken another jolt from the stun gun in exchange for a fresh T-shirt.
Yes, totally! Because being wet is the worst. It’s miserable. It’s bad for your health as well in that it can drop your body temperature, causing bad chafing, and wet skin gets that soft prune-y thing going on which makes it itchy, sore, and prone to terrible blisters.
It’s miserable for modern day humans even when we know we can just go home and change socks and put our shoes on the radiator. Imagine if you’re some cowboy crossing the lone plains – you don’t have any friggin shoes to change.
Constantly people are traipsing into rivers in movies. Seriously watch for it, it happens all the time. Particularly fantasies and westerns. They’ll just plow right in and not even consider it. Half a scene later they are dry. They are wearing like a thick wool overcoat and they are totally dry. THAT WOULD BE WET FOR LIKE A WEEK. IT MIGHT KILL YOU. You’d be better off risking getting hit by an orc arrow than stepping into that river. Of course the paper map is always dry too.
That one moment where you stepped into that lake would add at least a couple of days to a medieval journey. You can’t just keep walking with your weird cloth-wrapped boot things soaking wet. You’ll blister up and not be able to walk at all. You have to stop, make a roaring fire so you can get practically naked and dry out all your stuff completely before you can keep going.
Just once I’d like to see in a movie where a character comes up to the shore of a shallow river where they could walk right across it, but they say “We’ll have to find a bridge, we can’t risk being wet.”
WTF you guys.