Pulling Hair Out

I want and iPhone 4S! [Orders on on Apple.com]
Months later… Crap didn’t I order one of those? Oh dang, it got shipped to an old address.
Call Apple. Oh yeah, that’s in the process of being returned to us, when it’s here, we’ll refund you.
Sweet thanks, I’ll just go grab on at an Apple Store.
Apple Store: You don’t qualify for a subsidized phone.
Me: Yeahhhh, but I kinda do, the one I used the subsidy on is back at Apple. I never got it.
Apple Store: OK, let’s call AT&T and straighten it out.
AT&T: We can’t help you with that.
Me: OK screw you, I don’t like you anyway, I’m gonna switch to Sprint.
Sprint: Here’s your new iPhone 4S!
Me: Yay!
[Gives old phone away to friend]
Gets home… Oh wait, I don’t have signal at my house. That’s not gonna work.
Meanwhile… AT&T sends me a $300+ dollar contract breaking fee. WTF.
Me: I guess I should go back to AT&T
Go to AT&T Store: We’ll help you get your plan back
Me: So can I buy an iPhone 4S?
AT&T Store: Sure but you don’t qualify for a subsididy.
Me: ARAARARARGGGGGGG Why not?
AT&T Store: You’ll have to talk to Apple about that.
Goes back to Sprint Store: I’d like to return this Sprint iPhone
Sprint Store: Sorry, nope.
Me: ARARAGAGADGGGGGGADSFAGGGGGGfFFF
Goes back to Apple Store: We can’t help you with that, you’ll have to deal with Apple.com
Calls Apple.com: We’ll try to help, but we’re not totally sure we can. Even if we can, it might take 4 weeks.

End of this story still pending. Currently have no phone.