This is some preeemo shit, dude.

I know it’s the cool thing to do lately to hate hippies. But let it be known, I’ve been hating hippies since long before it was cool, and I even used to be one (or at least I thought I was). Allow me to present some of my research:

  1. 1. Attitude
    “Make love, not war.” “Everything is gonna be alright.” “Take it easy.” All these clichés are a bit outdated now, but the attitude is still present. It’s the over-the-top pacifism in speech which always sounds very insincere and is often packed with contradictions.
  2. 2. Music
    Jambands. There must be some secret initiation ceremony that happens for bands, where once passed, all hippies worldwide know who you are and really dig your grooves. No other type of music is acceptable to the hippie, despite being “open-minded”. They may even be as callous as covering their ears if they come is close contact with non-jamband music.
  3. 3. Drugs
    ANY drugs. Hippies love and indulge in any kind of mind-altering substance known to man. Even drugs that are extremely non-Earth friendly (meth), can make you angry and violent (cocaine, booze), or have absolutely no lasting spiritual value (nitrous, salvia). This category is important to expose the hypocrisy of many hippies. For example, a hippie I once knew came down on me for not using energy-efficient light fixtures in my shitty college apartment. Then on our way home from the bar, he ripped a small tree out of the ground, stole some private property, and passed out on his couch with all the lights on.
  4. 4. Appearance
    This category is THE MOST IMPORTANT, as will be explained later.
    Knappy Dreads. Tie Dye. Hemp. Long Skirts. Patchwork pants. Homemade shirts. Expensive Birkenstocks. Bandanas. Hippies have lots of fashion options, but it’s always unmistakable. In fact, it is much easier to tell the difference between a hippie and a businessman at 100 yards than Oprah and Danny DeVito.

You may be able to tell now that it is the HYPOCRISY that defines the true hippie; its preaching tolerance while shutting out others; it’s protesting for better environmental practice on Friday and trashing a campground on Saturday; its pretending life is about art and creativity and then living in a homogeneous culture where everybody has the same opinions and every booth sells the same glass pipes, spiritual geodes, and Steal Your Face T-Shirts. (You want to see art and creativity? Check out incredible stuff constantly at FreshArrival and Inhabitat)

This is all coming across negatively, which is mostly true. I have no tolerance for hippies going into pizza joints and asking for free food for “a bunch of homeless kids” when they really mean a bunch of healthy, white, young-adults on an amazing trans-America vacation-of-a-lifetime. But don’t take everything here at face value. Just because you like jambands doesn’t make you stink, and if you are into making your own clothing doesn’t mean you freebase and hate your parents.

I say this because according to my own list, I’m three-quarter hippie.

I like me some jambands (I still have a Phish patch on my backpack). I love a good bong rip, and I’m a pretty passive guy in general. But you know what I wear? Jeans and sweatshirts, khakis and flannel shirts, nylon shorts and t-shirts. I don’t LOOK like a hippie, so I’m completely unaccepted in their community. What, do I look a like a narc? Maybe I fucking should be, get some of you hippies off the streets.

2 responses to “This is some preeemo shit, dude.”

  1. black glenn says:

    Very nice rant. Found you via your comment @ Lifehacker on gMail adding a delete button.

  2. zervas says:

    Oprah and Danny DeVito, now that’s just funny. Almost as funny as explaining to the guy I bought a bag off yesterday that I did not have to tell him I was a cop if I was, in fact, a cop. Hippies apparently don’t understand the concept of “undercover” but it’s cute when they make up laws and recite them to me. silly silly hippies.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.