A Layman’s Guide to Facebook

Thinking it’s about time to get on Facebook? Here’s my pragmatic guide!!

  1. Go to Facebook.com and sign up.
  2. Facebook will guide you through the whole process. It’s their business to make it very easy to do. Imagine the kind of people who sign up for Facebook. I was once at Mt. Rushmore and overheard someone who clearly believed the mountain was just naturally formed that way. That person is probably on Facebook. You can do this.
  3. You’ll probably get some friend requests. You’ll also be tempted to friend people from high school. Especially the hot people. Finding out if they are still hot is very important so go ahead and do that. You’ll get some awkward ones too, like the editor lady at your last job that you pretty sure hated you so like why the shucks does she want to be friends on here? Literally nobody knows what to do in this situation. I recommend getting a little inwardly angry about it at first. Then like 3 days later after a couple of happy hour beers, randomly check Facebook and accept the friend request.
  4. Sometimes you’ll be kinda bored and decide to check Facebook. It’ll be mildly interesting. Somebody will say something about politics. No matter what it says, it will reinforce what you already think.
  5. You’ll get a little addicted to it. You’ll probably see ads for some fancy bed sheets you can’t afford, but if you just scroll down a little bit more you’ll see a photo of that hot person from high school you friended last week who is a little less hot but still kinda hot and is apparently married now and lives in Charlotte.
  6. Then you’ll get bored of it and not go there very much.
  7. Then you’ll start checking it again sometimes. Whatever.
  8. Any time Facebook comes up in conversation, you’ll spout off some opinions about it. You’re really just trying on some opinions to see how they feel. Facebook is stupid! Why do people, like, even go on there? That one feels OK so you’ll roll with it for a few weeks. Then you’ll add some more nuanced detail over time. Maybe roll in a few things you like that other people have said.
  9. Eventually you’ll join some kind of group on Facebook, like a group for your local gym, and it’ll actually be kind of useful because you can find out what’s going on at the gym and send messages to people that you kinda know but not well enough to have their phone number. Then you’ll join another one of people that have the same kind of camper that you do and you’ll post about how the strap broke in a weird place and people will have all kinds of useful advice and you’ll be like cool thanks Facebook I guess this thing is useful sometimes but sometimes I have to close you because the politics guy is back and for flipping franks sake I just can’t listen to it anymore.

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