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Archive for the ‘Things I’ve Learned’ Category

Farmer John

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

In the break room at work yesterday someone had laid out some movie coupons. Good for three days only, the coupons could be used to see a movie at any Marcus theater for only $3.00. This is an interesting marketing technique by theaters to get movie patrons to come back – as long as they do it quickly. I used the opportunity to see a documentary film The Real Dirt on Farmer John. Long story short: Inspirational and educational film about the plight of farmers and the pain that can come from being different. Of all of the many emotions I avoid, and there are a lot of them, inspiration is near the top of the list. I hate being inspired, all it does is make you feel worse when you inevitably don’t do whatever it was you were inspired to do in the first place.

Here are some other things I learned:

<ol>

    <li>Being a farmer is completely impractical unless you can come up with some brand new innovative business model which will allow you to squeak by, pending no major disasters</li>
    <li>If someone has a lisp they are only very, very likely to be gay</li>
    <li>Organic Vegetables are delicious, healthier to eat, and better for the earth. However, they are a pain in the ass to grow which makes them unreliable and expensive</li>
    <li>Just because a vegetable is organic doesn't mean its not genetically modified</li>
    <li>Hippies definition of creativity and personal expression is so cute</li>
    <li>If people accuse you of being a devil worshiping cult leader who kills children, clearing your name should be one of your top priorities. At the very least, adamantly denying it would probably help. Assuming, you know, that you aren't a devil worshiping cult leader that kills children</li>
</ol>

10 Things you shouldn’t eat at an all-day buffet

Monday, March 13th, 2006

The whole concept of an all-day buffet is probably avoidable.

Here are some specific things to avoid:

  1. Mussels
  2. Squid
  3. Octopus
  4. Shrimp
  5. Crab
  6. Lobster
  7. Oysters
  8. Scallops
  9. Caviar
  10. Crawdads

Falling Asleep

Friday, February 24th, 2006

3 Things you can do right before bed that will make it hard to fall asleep:

  1. Take a diet pill
  2. Think about your future
  3. Read the newspaper

Doesn’t Have Much To Do With Firewalls

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Being fresh out of unwatched Netflix DVD’s and in need of some entertainment, I went to the theater to see Firewall last night. Despite there being some questionable tech(*) and having nothing to do with firewalls, it was a satisfying action-thriller. Mary Lynn Rajskub played the secretary in all her I’m-kinda-hot-in-an-Emily-Watson-kinda-way glory.

Here are some things that I learned:

  1. Harrison Ford has a great screen presence but always plays the same role in his movies, which limits my willingness to call him a ‘good actor’.
  2. Tuesday night at 7:15pm in February is a great time to go see a movie
  3. If there is a team of bad guys with guns holding you hostage, who have killed one of their own to prove they are serious, it is still possible to get a relaxed good nights sleep.
  4. I’m so lame that even formulaic Hollywood bread & butter films like this, that I’ve seen a hundred times over in different forms, still please me.

*Harrison Ford used the scanner head from a cheap fax machine connected directly to a pink iPod Mini to capture account numbers from a scrolling computer screen.

The Rising Cost of Gas -or- The Freshmaker Takes On New Meaning

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

Man alive. I’ve had super bad gas the last couple days. Very unusual for me, especially at this “really shouldn’t leave the house” level.

Jackson Gastroentology reports these foods as contributors to gas:

  1. Legumes: Especially dried beans and peas, baked beans, soy beans, lima beans
  2. Milk Products: Milk, ice cream, cheese
  3. Vegetables: Cabbage, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, cucumbers, sauerkraut, kohlrabi, asparagus
  4. Root Vegetables: Potatoes, rutabaga, turnips, radishes, onions
  5. Fruits: Prunes, apricots, apples, raisins, bananas
  6. Cereals & Breads: Cereals, breads, pastries, and all foods containing wheat and wheat products. Check labels
  7. Fatty Foods: Pan-fried or deep-fried foods, fatty meats, rich cream sauces and gravies, pastries, and any high-fat food. Check labels.
  8. Liquids: Carbonated beverages, fizzy medicine

So… almost everything.

I have concluded that the only food you can eat to totally avoid gas is: Mentos. I’m thinking of going on an all-Mentos diet for a while, I’ll report later.

Salvador Dali vrs. Salvia Divinorum

Monday, January 16th, 2006

Very similar names, and they both make you see melting clocks.

I took a big hit of the latter this weekend and these things happened:

  1. Felt very light headed
  2. Lost all balance
  3. Earth’s Gravity Changed
  4. Fell on floor giggling like a schoolgirl
  5. The TV started mocking me
  6. Tried to stand up and fell
  7. Threw dirty plate onto floor
  8. Gravity returned to normal
  9. Crawled back onto couch
  10. Took another hit
  11. Something

(Elapsed time: 5 minutes)

Kia

Sunday, January 8th, 2006

Why buy used when you can buy a Kia?

I dunno, here are some pretty good reasons:

  1. Kias are pieces of shit
  2. Kias are ugly as shit
  3. Kias have shit for resale value
  4. New Kias don’t have even close to the safety and reliability ratings that even 5-year old Honda’s have
  5. You aren’t going to get into even the shittiest Kia for under 10 grand where you can easily find a nice clean Civic a few years old with under 40k miles for 7-8 grand.

King Kong

Friday, December 16th, 2005

I went to go see King Kong last night. I was a little tired to begin with, so the first hour or so was putting me right to sleep, but not to fret, almost the entire last two-thirds of the movie is high-power actionriffic. There was even a completely gratuitous scene in this rocky valley where the team fought off giant bugs for a good 10+ minutes.

I’ve been learing a lot at the theaters this week, here are some more things I learned:

  1. Giant apes love blondes, too
  2. King Kong vs. 3 Tyrannosaurus Rex’s: King Kong wins
  3. There are completely quiet streets and beautiful skating ponds in the middle of New York City with no other people whatsoever
  4. If you fall off the Empire State Building, you will die, but not splatter into oblivion, or in fact, even bleed
  5. Peter Jackson could pee in a cup and make money
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