Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

Four Twenty

Thursday, April 20th, 2006

Today is Earth Day and perhaps the most widely celebrated hippie holiday: 4/20.

<h3>How are hippies celebrating?</h3>


    <li>Getting all up in your face about how people need to chill out</li>
    <li>Honoring diversity, by buying their eighth Umphree's McGee T-Shirt</li>
    <li>Getting out into nature, by driving their oil-burning van 40 miles to the closest state park</li>
    <li>Honoring togetherness, by smoking so much pot they can't even talk to each other</li>
    <li>Protesting mining, by collecting rare rocks and crystals</li>
    <li>Honoring healthy living, by noodle dancing and hula-hooping</li>
    <li>By staying away from me</li>


Celebrity Causes

Thursday, March 16th, 2006

I read this Reuters article on Yahoo! news this morning:

The blond star of the film “The Dukes of Hazzard” still plans to visit Washington on Thursday to lobby members of Congress on behalf of Operation Smile, a non-profit venture offering free plastic surgery for disadvantaged children overseas with facial deformities.

Allow me to rephrase: American sex symbol seeks to put children worldwide “under the knife” in an attempt raise international standard of beauty. “It’s just like my mama used to say, It’s what’s on the outside that counts” Jessica recounts.

I’m picturing tiny malnourished African children with big fake “Jack Nicholson in Batman” smiles permanently sewn onto their faces.

Here are some other likely celebrity causes:

  1. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the leader of “No Hummer, Bummer”, a worldwide organization providing free Hummers to discrimination-riddled oil company CEO’s
  2. Jim Carrey, teaches teenagers displaced by Hurricane Katrina improv comedy in his organization “Just Laugh it Off”
  3. Sting teaches Arab couples tantric love techniques to help save marriages and relieve stress in his organization “Stop Terror Where It Starts (by fucking for 31 hours straight)”

Could you sleep with wires glued to your head?

Tuesday, March 7th, 2006

I went in for a sleep study last night at the hospital. I was pretty sure I didn’t have any sleeping problems, but my general doctor wanted to rule it out as a potential factor in my inability to lose weight. OK, I said, what the hell. I chalked it off as a new experience I could use to kill a Monday night. It’s not costing me anything anyway (I don’t think).

So I go in last night at about 8:30. By about 10:30 they got you all settled in and hooked up. 8 wires coming off your head and chest, four more on your legs, some tube things by your nose to measure breathing, and a finger clamp to measure oxygen. I didn’t sleep a fricking wink.

Here is why:

  1. I was in a foreign room with a foreign pillow and foreign sheets on a foreign bed.
  2. There was a camera focused right on my body.
  3. I wore a T-Shirt and cotton pants. Normally I sleep in my underwear.
  4. If the grim reaper was anywhere, it was around there somewhere.
  6. There were motherfucking wires all over my shit.
  7. There was a woman who was monitoring every little eye movement I made, hoping desperately that I would fall asleep.
  8. She kept INTERCOMING me with suggestions to help me fall asleep. WTF?

Guns save life

Wednesday, February 1st, 2006

Driving the East-West interstate across Illinois into Indiana is quite the introduction to the Bible Belt. There is a slew of hilarious Jesus billboards and a lot of pro-gun signs. The signs usually tell some kind of short story and then end with “Guns save life.”

There are are three ways to interpret this:

  1. Multiple guns have saved one life. True. I’m sure there are plenty of examples of multiple guns saving one life. I’m not sure where they are going with this. Unless they mean something else…
  2. Guns in general have saved more lives than than they have taken (“save life”). False. This has me a bit confused. It would be my estimate that since the invention of the gun, millions upon millions of people have been killed by them. Compare that to how many people have fended off an attacker with a gun and I’m thinking the scale tilts slightly toward the mass graves of war.
  3. Guns are currently saving life as we know it. False. Since you can’t eat them, or sleep underneath them, or have sex with them (hmmmmm). I think we’ll do okay without them.

I even like guns, I just hate crazy right-wing patriot assholes.

This appears to be some kind of blog post.

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

My literary pet peeve lately has been the use of “some kind of”. Here is an example from the X-Files:

“What is that?”
“It appears to be some kind of storage facility.”

The reason its annoying is because it pompously suggests that the speaker is very knowledgeable when it comes to storage facilities. So knowledgeable in fact, that they know lots of different kinds of them, but in this case, is unable to determine which kind it is.

How about “It looks like a storage facility.” It might not have that X-Files flair, but at least you won’t sound like something you aren’t.

Here are some other examples:

  1. “I think we’re in some kind of cave.”
  2. “Is this some kind of ban?”
  3. “It must be some kind of joke.”

There are a few acceptable uses of “some kind of”. For example, when you clearly are acquainted with the subject, and yet its identity still eludes you, as in this exchange:

“What’s for hot lunch today?”
“I don’t know, some kind of meat.”

This is some preeemo shit, dude.

Friday, January 20th, 2006

I know it’s the cool thing to do lately to hate hippies. But let it be known, I’ve been hating hippies since long before it was cool, and I even used to be one (or at least I thought I was). Allow me to present some of my research:

  1. 1. Attitude
    “Make love, not war.” “Everything is gonna be alright.” “Take it easy.” All these clichés are a bit outdated now, but the attitude is still present. It’s the over-the-top pacifism in speech which always sounds very insincere and is often packed with contradictions.
  2. 2. Music
    Jambands. There must be some secret initiation ceremony that happens for bands, where once passed, all hippies worldwide know who you are and really dig your grooves. No other type of music is acceptable to the hippie, despite being “open-minded”. They may even be as callous as covering their ears if they come is close contact with non-jamband music.
  3. 3. Drugs
    ANY drugs. Hippies love and indulge in any kind of mind-altering substance known to man. Even drugs that are extremely non-Earth friendly (meth), can make you angry and violent (cocaine, booze), or have absolutely no lasting spiritual value (nitrous, salvia). This category is important to expose the hypocrisy of many hippies. For example, a hippie I once knew came down on me for not using energy-efficient light fixtures in my shitty college apartment. Then on our way home from the bar, he ripped a small tree out of the ground, stole some private property, and passed out on his couch with all the lights on.
  4. 4. Appearance
    This category is THE MOST IMPORTANT, as will be explained later.
    Knappy Dreads. Tie Dye. Hemp. Long Skirts. Patchwork pants. Homemade shirts. Expensive Birkenstocks. Bandanas. Hippies have lots of fashion options, but it’s always unmistakable. In fact, it is much easier to tell the difference between a hippie and a businessman at 100 yards than Oprah and Danny DeVito.

You may be able to tell now that it is the HYPOCRISY that defines the true hippie; its preaching tolerance while shutting out others; it’s protesting for better environmental practice on Friday and trashing a campground on Saturday; its pretending life is about art and creativity and then living in a homogeneous culture where everybody has the same opinions and every booth sells the same glass pipes, spiritual geodes, and Steal Your Face T-Shirts. (You want to see art and creativity? Check out incredible stuff constantly at FreshArrival and Inhabitat)

This is all coming across negatively, which is mostly true. I have no tolerance for hippies going into pizza joints and asking for free food for “a bunch of homeless kids” when they really mean a bunch of healthy, white, young-adults on an amazing trans-America vacation-of-a-lifetime. But don’t take everything here at face value. Just because you like jambands doesn’t make you stink, and if you are into making your own clothing doesn’t mean you freebase and hate your parents.

I say this because according to my own list, I’m three-quarter hippie.

I like me some jambands (I still have a Phish patch on my backpack). I love a good bong rip, and I’m a pretty passive guy in general. But you know what I wear? Jeans and sweatshirts, khakis and flannel shirts, nylon shorts and t-shirts. I don’t LOOK like a hippie, so I’m completely unaccepted in their community. What, do I look a like a narc? Maybe I fucking should be, get some of you hippies off the streets.

Push Pins

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006

push pins

Everybody’s got ’em.

Here are the different colors of push pins I have in my push pin tin:

  1. Yellow
  2. Clear
  3. Red
  4. Blue
  5. Red
  6. Clear Red
  7. Light Blue
  8. Silver
  9. Purple
  10. Dark Blue

Here are some colors for push pins that aren’t stupid:

  1. White
  2. Black