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Archive for the ‘Guest Author’ Category

Robot Snakes On A Plane

Monday, April 17th, 2006

robot snake

After seeing this CNN article, Tim writes in to say:

We all know the day cannot come soon enough for the release of the blockbuster film Snakes on a Plane, but it would be irresponsible for us to think of a blockbuster movie without considering an equally epic sequel.

Therefore, I present to you “Robot Snakes on a Plane: You can’t kill us because we’re not really alive”

You can’t argue with that.

Here are some of the sequel titles that got scratched:

<ol>

    <li>Snakes on a Spaceship</li>
    <li>Salamanders in a Tent</li>
    <li>Bride of Snakes</li>
    <li>(Prequel:) Snakes in a Swamp</li>
    <li>United 93</li>

</ol>

Guest Author: Animals I Won’t Eat

Thursday, April 6th, 2006

Zervas writes:

Today my lady friend is making me dinner. She wants to use Italian sausage in the spaghetti but I don’t eat pork. Sometimes it’s hard being Kosher, especially when it has nothing to do with faith but rather an arbitrary decision. Still, I subscribe to the line item veto theory of bible interpretation. If you can decide to ignore the “don’t eat blah blah blah” part of the bible I should be able to covet or even make a graven image or two. This got me thinking about other animals I won’t eat.
The list is surprisingly short.

<h3>Animals I don't eat:</h3>

<ol>
    <li><a href="http://www.rotten.com/library/death/cannibalism/">Human*</a></li>
    <li><a href="http://www.hedweb.com/animimag/manateeb.jpg">Mermaid**</a></li>
    <li><a href="http://www.wspa-usa.org/pages/506_sep_03_another_dead_dolphin_washes_ashore_in_peru.cfm">Dolphin***</a></li>
    <li><a href="http://www.rhymer.net/New%20Folder/dog.htm">Dog</a></li>
    <li><a href="http://www.france-hybrides.com/PHOTO1.gif">Pig</a></li>
    <li><a href="http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/health/153130_bushmeat19.html">Rat </a></li>
    <li><a href="http://www.nearctica.com/family/eatnat/animals/edove.htm">Pigeon </a></li>
    <li><a href="http://members.tripod.com/thailand2003_1/ranongnightmarket12.jpg">Insect/Grub</a></li>
    <li><a href="http://www.susanscott.net/OceanWatch1996/sep23-96.html">Shell Fish****</a></li>
    <li><a href="http://www.straightdope.com/columns/010309.html">Monkey</a></li>
</ol>

*Unless I come to/wake up from a weird black out to discover I already murdered somebody; then cannibalism wouldn’t seem so taboo.

**Consuming mermaid flesh is known to cause undesirable results.

***Seriously though, I’d try it once.

****Unless its lobster and you’re buying.

Guest Author: Little Known Facts

Friday, February 10th, 2006

You probably didn’t know these things.

Little Known Facts:

<ol>

    <li>Porn careers only sometimes result in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005326/">mainstream success</a>.</li>
    <li>The equinox has nothing to do with your egg standing on end.</li>
    <li>That law you heard about regarding something ridiculous in a city or state you don't live in isn't an actual law.</li>
    <li>Cambell's chicken soup is made from diseased baby chickens.</li>
    <li>Diamonds are a scam.</li>
    <li>Eating healthier and exercising will get you no where. You need <a href="http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/sauna_belt.html?gg=saunabelt">this</a>.</li>

</ol>

Isn’t she a beautiful pride?

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

We all know that:

  1. Bitch-slaps obliterate pride

    Newton tells us that every action must have an equal and opposite reaction

    The closest opposite action to a bitch-slap would HAVE TO be a high-five.

    Be it resolved then, that if bitch-slaps obliterate pride:

  2. High-fives MUST give or transmit pride.

    The person below is clearly pointing out the exact moment and location of the pride transmission.

    This is pure science.

Applications:

In order to maintain ones pride equilibrium, a healthy balance, in the eyes of an outside observer such as a friend, of bitch-slaps and high-fives must be maintained.

Pride disequilibrium is especially dangerous in the case of a person who is always willing to bitch-slap but never willing to high-five. This person absorbs pride that is obliterated from others during a bitch slap, but never returns pride to others through high-fives. This person is a pride sponge.