Monday, April 17th, 2006
After seeing this CNN article, Tim writes in to say:
We all know the day cannot come soon enough for the release of the blockbuster film Snakes on a Plane, but it would be irresponsible for us to think of a blockbuster movie without considering an equally epic sequel.
Therefore, I present to you “Robot Snakes on a Plane: You can’t kill us because we’re not really alive”
You can’t argue with that.
<ol> <li>Snakes on a Spaceship</li> <li>Salamanders in a Tent</li> <li>Bride of Snakes</li> <li>(Prequel:) Snakes in a Swamp</li> <li>United 93</li> </ol>
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
Today my lady friend is making me dinner. She wants to use Italian sausage in the spaghetti but I don’t eat pork. Sometimes it’s hard being Kosher, especially when it has nothing to do with faith but rather an arbitrary decision. Still, I subscribe to the line item veto theory of bible interpretation. If you can decide to ignore the “don’t eat blah blah blah” part of the bible I should be able to covet or even make a graven image or two. This got me thinking about other animals I won’t eat.
The list is surprisingly short.
<h3>Animals I don't eat:</h3> <ol> <li><a href="http://www.rotten.com/library/death/cannibalism/">Human*</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.hedweb.com/animimag/manateeb.jpg">Mermaid**</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.wspa-usa.org/pages/506_sep_03_another_dead_dolphin_washes_ashore_in_peru.cfm">Dolphin***</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.rhymer.net/New%20Folder/dog.htm">Dog</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.france-hybrides.com/PHOTO1.gif">Pig</a></li> <li><a href="http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/health/153130_bushmeat19.html">Rat </a></li> <li><a href="http://www.nearctica.com/family/eatnat/animals/edove.htm">Pigeon </a></li> <li><a href="http://members.tripod.com/thailand2003_1/ranongnightmarket12.jpg">Insect/Grub</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.susanscott.net/OceanWatch1996/sep23-96.html">Shell Fish****</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.straightdope.com/columns/010309.html">Monkey</a></li> </ol>
*Unless I come to/wake up from a weird black out to discover I already murdered somebody; then cannibalism wouldn’t seem so taboo.
***Seriously though, I’d try it once.
****Unless its lobster and you’re buying.
Friday, February 10th, 2006
You probably didn’t know these things.
<ol> <li>Porn careers only sometimes result in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005326/">mainstream success</a>.</li> <li>The equinox has nothing to do with your egg standing on end.</li> <li>That law you heard about regarding something ridiculous in a city or state you don't live in isn't an actual law.</li> <li>Cambell's chicken soup is made from diseased baby chickens.</li> <li>Diamonds are a scam.</li> <li>Eating healthier and exercising will get you no where. You need <a href="http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/sauna_belt.html?gg=saunabelt">this</a>.</li> </ol>
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
Newton tells us that every action must have an equal and opposite reaction
The closest opposite action to a bitch-slap would HAVE TO be a high-five.
Be it resolved then, that if bitch-slaps obliterate pride:
High-fives MUST give or transmit pride.
The person below is clearly pointing out the exact moment and location of the pride transmission.
This is pure science.
In order to maintain ones pride equilibrium, a healthy balance, in the eyes of an outside observer such as a friend, of bitch-slaps and high-fives must be maintained.
Pride disequilibrium is especially dangerous in the case of a person who is always willing to bitch-slap but never willing to high-five. This person absorbs pride that is obliterated from others during a bitch slap, but never returns pride to others through high-fives. This person is a pride sponge.
You are currently browsing the archives for the Guest Author category.