Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Akeewha?

Sunday, May 7th, 2006

The critically acclaimed film Akeelah and the Bee opened this week, inspiring children worldwide to try hard, do good, and feel ways about stuff. Most Americans however, when scanning the newspaper to see what’s playing, will stop reading halfway through the word Akeelah and check out the next movie down.

Inspirational children’s movie ideas with even less linguistic flow

  1. Lashawnte and the Geography-Off
  2. Shatoya and the High School Jeopardy Pretrials
  3. Latosha and Awkwardness of Competing in a Male-Dominated Sporting Event
  4. Chris and the Struggle For Relevancy

Inspirational children’s movie ideas with more Self-Righteous American Machoismo appeal:

  1. James and the Dream That Came True
  2. Tom and the Winning Goal
  3. Billy and the Unfathomable Inheritance
  4. Jim and the High Probability of Success

Rethinking Rocky

Saturday, May 6th, 2006

Who would the villians be if the United States starred in the Rocky films instead of Sylvester Stallone:

<ol>

    <li>Rocky I: Vietnam</li>
    <li>Rocky II: Japan</li>
    <li>Rocky III: Mr. T</li>
    <li>Rocky IV: China</li>
<li>Rocky V: Canada</li>

</ol>

The Big Questions In LOST

Friday, May 5th, 2006

LOST is really heating up as it heads for the season finale, which is supposed to be an even bigger bang than the first season. I was talking with one of my work-buddy LOST fans and we came up with quite a few unanswered questions.

<h3>LOSTs big questions: </h3>

<ol>

    <li><p>Walt.<br /><br />Where is he?<br />Why does he seem to be so important to The Others?<br />Was that him on the computer?<br />Can he really manifest things?<br />What's up with that "soaking wet in the jungle talking backwords" stuff?</p></li>
    <li><p>Hanso.<br /><br />What was that map in the hatch?<br />What's with that Training Video and the "incident"?<br />What do the Dharma logos mean?<br />Why did the shark have a Dharma logo on it's tail?<br />Was the foundation behind that food that fell from the sky?<br />What's with the powerful magnet?</p></li>
    <li><p>Ethan.<br /><br />He was the doctor drugging Claire to get her baby and the one who beat up Jack and hung Charlie, who is he?<br />Why is the underground facility where they were keeping Claire now run-down and abandoned?<br />Is Danielle's daughter still alive?<br />Why was Danielle's daughter down there in the first place?</p></li>
    <li><p>Desmond.<br /><br />He ran away from the hatch and was the guy in Jack's flashback running in the stadium. Where is he now? What is he doing?</p></li>
    <li><p>Black Rock.<br /><br />WTF? A huge wooden sailing ship in the middle of the island?<br />Was this the ship Danielle came on?<br />How long has it been there?<br />How did it get there?</p></li>
    <li><p>Healing / Harming.<br /><br />Locke can walk, Rose doesn't have cancer anymore, Libby isn't crazy anymore, Sun is pregnant.<br />Charlie is going crazy, Hurley is seeing things.<br />Is there a disease?</p></li>
    <li><p>The Numbers.<br /><br />They are <em>everywhere</em>. This is one that <em>better</em> come to a satisfying conclution.<br />There are new numbers on the <a href="http://www.thehansofoundation.org/" target="_blank">Hando Foundation website</a>, what do these mean?</p></li>
    <li><p>Henry.<br /><br />Is he really an other?<br />Who was the real Henry?<br />Did he really not press the button?<br />What happens if you don't press the button?</p></li>
    <li><p>The Monsters.<br /><br />The chain-link monster thing, The Black Fog, The Shark...</p></li>
    <li><p>Michael.<br /><br />Is he brainwashed?<br />Is he an Other?</p></li>

</ol>

How Useful

Sunday, April 30th, 2006

“The Benchwarmer” Reviews by Professional Movie Reviewers:

  1. “…the best jokes are in the trailer, and the rest involve nose picking, vomiting, spitting and farting.” -E! Online
  2. “…not terrible, not terrible at all.” -James Parker, Boston Globe
  3. “…pitiful excuse for a movie…” -Lou Lumenick, New York Post
  4. “…a movie with a nice number of laughs and an encouraging message.” -Pete Croatto, filmcritic.com

Farmer John

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

In the break room at work yesterday someone had laid out some movie coupons. Good for three days only, the coupons could be used to see a movie at any Marcus theater for only $3.00. This is an interesting marketing technique by theaters to get movie patrons to come back – as long as they do it quickly. I used the opportunity to see a documentary film The Real Dirt on Farmer John. Long story short: Inspirational and educational film about the plight of farmers and the pain that can come from being different. Of all of the many emotions I avoid, and there are a lot of them, inspiration is near the top of the list. I hate being inspired, all it does is make you feel worse when you inevitably don’t do whatever it was you were inspired to do in the first place.

Here are some other things I learned:

<ol>

    <li>Being a farmer is completely impractical unless you can come up with some brand new innovative business model which will allow you to squeak by, pending no major disasters</li>
    <li>If someone has a lisp they are only very, very likely to be gay</li>
    <li>Organic Vegetables are delicious, healthier to eat, and better for the earth. However, they are a pain in the ass to grow which makes them unreliable and expensive</li>
    <li>Just because a vegetable is organic doesn't mean its not genetically modified</li>
    <li>Hippies definition of creativity and personal expression is so cute</li>
    <li>If people accuse you of being a devil worshiping cult leader who kills children, clearing your name should be one of your top priorities. At the very least, adamantly denying it would probably help. Assuming, you know, that you aren't a devil worshiping cult leader that kills children</li>
</ol>

Suri

Wednesday, April 19th, 2006

The highly anticipated debut of TomKat’s baby finally took place last night. There was few controversial media frenzies during the pregnancy. One involving Cruise requiring Katie (as well as all the doctors and nurses) to be silent during the delivery and another when Cruise told GQ he we be eating the placenta. Of course, both of these things made we want to punch him even harder than after I watched Vanilla Sky.

They named the child Suri, which means “pickpocket” in Japanese and “I’m so deep and fucking cultural you’ll never understand me” in Hollynglish.

What other names were the famous couple considering?

<ol>

    <li>Thomas Cruise Mapother V</li>
    <li>Mission Impossibilly</li>
    <li>Scientommy</li>
    <li>Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell II</li>
    <li>Moon Unit</li>
    <li>Little Ricky 2</li>
    <li>This One Isa Not Adopted</li>

</ol>

White Stripes®

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Jim Diamond, the sound mixer from the 2000 White Stripes album “De Stijl”, is suing the White Stripes. He says he deserves a portion of the royalties from the album since he helped developed the band’s “signature sound”.

I was aware of the importance of sound mixers. They certainly have a lot to do with the quality of a recording and therefore its success. But to claim you are owed royalties because you helped create their sound? Preposterous. Especially when we are talking about a band that has enjoyed successful live shows well before and after this album, completely without this joker. Besides, I would think people working on big commercial recordings like this are well aware of their involvement and what their compensation will be.

This would be a bad precedent to set for bands worldwide.

If the White Stripes lose this case, who should they sue in return?

  1. Their fans, since they helped create their “signature look”
  2. The UN, for having an Army with seven nations
  3. Dodge, for selling a Neon with white stripes on it
  4. You, for not ringing their doorbell

Robot Snakes On A Plane

Monday, April 17th, 2006

After seeing this CNN article, Tim writes in to say:

We all know the day cannot come soon enough for the release of the blockbuster film Snakes on a Plane, but it would be irresponsible for us to think of a blockbuster movie without considering an equally epic sequel.

Therefore, I present to you “Robot Snakes on a Plane: You can’t kill us because we’re not really alive”

You can’t argue with that.

Here are some of the sequel titles that got scratched:

  1. Snakes on a Spaceship
  2. Salamanders in a Tent
  3. Bride of Snakes
  4. (Prequel:) Snakes in a Swamp
  5. United 93

Punkgrass

Friday, April 14th, 2006

What if the Dead Kennedy’s did a bluegrass record?

These would be the track titles:

<ol>

    <li>Lonesome Suicide Blues</li>
    <li>A Fool Such As You</li>
    <li>Grand Ole Opry - Get Off The Air</li>
    <li>Pig in a Processor</li>
    <li>Stamping On My Sweet Baby's Grave</li>
    <li>Will The Fetus Be Aborted*</li>
    <li>I Fought The Law (and I won)*</li>

</ol>

*Oh, wait, they really did do these.

Alternatives to Rock

Tuesday, April 4th, 2006

“Hey, how was the band last night?”
“They rocked.”

There are so few alternatives to “rock” as a descriptive verb. Even talented banjo players very much rock. There has to be some alternatives though, slang can’t last forever, no matter how popular and ubiquitous.

Here are some possible alternatives to rock, as suggested by my thesarus, and in context:

<ol>
    <li>That band billowed!</li>
    <li>Oh man, they quaked!</li>
    <li>That show just vibrated!</li>
    <li>That guitar player reels.</li>
    <li>Careen On!</li>
</ol>

Super Terrorist Sisters

Tuesday, April 4th, 2006

A couple of girls from Portage county in Ohio are facing criminal charges for making super mario brothers question-mark cubes out of cardboard and printed wrapping paper and hanging them around town. These super-cute ornaments “scared the dickins” out of the community, who thought them to be bombs. Even police chief Randall McCoy said they “could be deadly”. I guess these girls might need to use one of their extra lives.

Here are some other things we should criminalize children for:

  1. Making popcorn streamers
  2. Playing Capture the Flag
  3. Helping old ladies cross the street
  4. Rollerskating to school
  5. Breathing

More info and pictures:
– Ohio.com
– Engadget.com

Girly Man

Monday, April 3rd, 2006

I watched the mega popular documentary “Grizzly Man” this weekend. That guy was a crazy mo-fo. Not in a what a bad-ass way that you would expect, but in a did that guy just say he wishes he was born gay because it would be easier? way.

Here are some of the preposterous things he believed:

  1. That he was protecting the bears
  2. That he was conducting scientific research
  3. It would have been easier if he was gay because he could just go to truckstops
  4. That a smiley face drawn on a rock was a warning from someone trying to kill him
  5. That the park policies of staying 100 yards away from bears and having to move your camp every seven days were bullshit
  6. That it mattered in some way what color bandanna he was wearing
  7. That he was cool
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