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Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Akeewha?

Sunday, May 7th, 2006

The critically acclaimed film Akeelah and the Bee opened this week, inspiring children world wide to try hard, do good, and feel ways about stuff. Most Americans however, when scanning the newspaper to see what’s playing, will stop reading half-way through the word Akeelah and check out the next movie down.

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<h3>Inspirational children's movie ideas with even less linguistic flow:</h3>

<ol>

    <li>Lashawnte and the Geography-Off</li>
    <li>Shatoya and the High School Jeopardy Pretrials</li>
    <li>Latosha and Awkwardness of Competing in a Male-Dominated Sporting Event</li>
    <li>Chris and the Struggle For Relevency</li>

</ol>

<h3>Inspirational children's movie ideas with more Self-Righteous American Machoismo appeal:</h3>
  1. James and the Dream That Came True
  2. Tom and the Winning Goal
  3. Billy and the Unfathomable Inheritance
  4. Jim and the High Probability of Success

Rethinking Rocky

Saturday, May 6th, 2006

Who would the villians be if the United States starred in the Rocky films instead of Sylvester Stallone:

<ol>

    <li>Rocky I: Vietnam</li>
    <li>Rocky II: Japan</li>
    <li>Rocky III: Mr. T</li>
    <li>Rocky IV: China</li>
<li>Rocky V: Canada</li>

</ol>

The Big Questions In LOST

Friday, May 5th, 2006

LOST is really heating up as it heads for the season finale, which is supposed to be an even bigger bang than the first season. I was talking with one of my work-buddy LOST fans and we came up with quite a few unanswered questions.

<h3>LOSTs big questions: </h3>

<ol>

    <li><p>Walt.<br /><br />Where is he?<br />Why does he seem to be so important to The Others?<br />Was that him on the computer?<br />Can he really manifest things?<br />What's up with that "soaking wet in the jungle talking backwords" stuff?</p></li>
    <li><p>Hanso.<br /><br />What was that map in the hatch?<br />What's with that Training Video and the "incident"?<br />What do the Dharma logos mean?<br />Why did the shark have a Dharma logo on it's tail?<br />Was the foundation behind that food that fell from the sky?<br />What's with the powerful magnet?</p></li>
    <li><p>Ethan.<br /><br />He was the doctor drugging Claire to get her baby and the one who beat up Jack and hung Charlie, who is he?<br />Why is the underground facility where they were keeping Claire now run-down and abandoned?<br />Is Danielle's daughter still alive?<br />Why was Danielle's daughter down there in the first place?</p></li>
    <li><p>Desmond.<br /><br />He ran away from the hatch and was the guy in Jack's flashback running in the stadium. Where is he now? What is he doing?</p></li>
    <li><p>Black Rock.<br /><br />WTF? A huge wooden sailing ship in the middle of the island?<br />Was this the ship Danielle came on?<br />How long has it been there?<br />How did it get there?</p></li>
    <li><p>Healing / Harming.<br /><br />Locke can walk, Rose doesn't have cancer anymore, Libby isn't crazy anymore, Sun is pregnant.<br />Charlie is going crazy, Hurley is seeing things.<br />Is there a disease?</p></li>
    <li><p>The Numbers.<br /><br />They are <em>everywhere</em>. This is one that <em>better</em> come to a satisfying conclution.<br />There are new numbers on the <a href="http://www.thehansofoundation.org/" target="_blank">Hando Foundation website</a>, what do these mean?</p></li>
    <li><p>Henry.<br /><br />Is he really an other?<br />Who was the real Henry?<br />Did he really not press the button?<br />What happens if you don't press the button?</p></li>
    <li><p>The Monsters.<br /><br />The chain-link monster thing, The Black Fog, The Shark...</p></li>
    <li><p>Michael.<br /><br />Is he brainwashed?<br />Is he an Other?</p></li>

</ol>

How Useful

Sunday, April 30th, 2006

“The Benchwarmer” Reviews by Professional Movie Reviewers:

<ol>

    <li>"...the best jokes are in the trailer, and the rest involve nose picking, vomiting, spitting and farting." <em>-E! Online</em></li>
    <li>"...not terrible, not terrible at all." <em>-James Parker, Boston Globe</em></li>
    <li>"...pitiful excuse for a movie..." <em>-Lou Lumenick, New York Post</em></li>
    <li>"...a movie with a nice number of laughs and an encouraging message." <em>-Pete Croatto, filmcritic.com</em></li>

</ol>

Farmer John

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

In the break room at work yesterday someone had laid out some movie coupons. Good for three days only, the coupons could be used to see a movie at any Marcus theater for only $3.00. This is an interesting marketing technique by theaters to get movie patrons to come back – as long as they do it quickly. I used the opportunity to see a documentary film The Real Dirt on Farmer John. Long story short: Inspirational and educational film about the plight of farmers and the pain that can come from being different. Of all of the many emotions I avoid, and there are a lot of them, inspiration is near the top of the list. I hate being inspired, all it does is make you feel worse when you inevitably don’t do whatever it was you were inspired to do in the first place.

Here are some other things I learned:

<ol>

    <li>Being a farmer is completely impractical unless you can come up with some brand new innovative business model which will allow you to squeak by, pending no major disasters</li>
    <li>If someone has a lisp they are only very, very likely to be gay</li>
    <li>Organic Vegetables are delicious, healthier to eat, and better for the earth. However, they are a pain in the ass to grow which makes them unreliable and expensive</li>
    <li>Just because a vegetable is organic doesn't mean its not genetically modified</li>
    <li>Hippies definition of creativity and personal expression is so cute</li>
    <li>If people accuse you of being a devil worshiping cult leader who kills children, clearing your name should be one of your top priorities. At the very least, adamantly denying it would probably help. Assuming, you know, that you aren't a devil worshiping cult leader that kills children</li>
</ol>

Suri

Wednesday, April 19th, 2006

The highly anticipated debut of TomKat’s baby finally took place last night. There was few controversial media frenzies during the pregnancy. One involving Cruise requiring Katie (as well as all the doctors and nurses) to be silent during the delivery and another when Cruise told GQ he we be eating the placenta. Of course, both of these things made we want to punch him even harder than after I watched Vanilla Sky.

They named the child Suri, which means “pickpocket” in Japanese and “I’m so deep and fucking cultural you’ll never understand me” in Hollynglish.

What other names were the famous couple considering?

<ol>

    <li>Thomas Cruise Mapother V</li>
    <li>Mission Impossibilly</li>
    <li>Scientommy</li>
    <li>Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell II</li>
    <li>Moon Unit</li>
    <li>Little Ricky 2</li>
    <li>This One Isa Not Adopted</li>

</ol>

White Stripes®

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Jim Diamond, the sound mixer from the 2000 White Stripes album “De Stijl”, is suing the White Stripes. He says he deserves a portion of the royalties from the album since he helped developed the bands “signature sound”.

I was aware of the importance of sound mixers. They certainly have a lot to do with the quality of a recording and therefore it’s success. But to claim you are owed royalties because you helped create their sound? Preposterous. Especially when we are talking about a band that has enjoyed successful live shows well before and after this album, completely without this joker. Besides, I would think people working on big commercial recordings like this are well aware of their involvement and what their compensation will be.

This would be a bad precedent to set for bands worldwide.

If the White Stripes lose this case, who should they sue in return?

<ol>

    <li>Their fans, since they helped create their "signature look"</li>
    <li>The UN, for having any Army with seven nations</li>
    <li>Dodge, for selling a Neon with white stripes on it</li>
    <li>You, for not ringing their doorbell</li>

</ol>

Robot Snakes On A Plane

Monday, April 17th, 2006

robot snake

After seeing this CNN article, Tim writes in to say:

We all know the day cannot come soon enough for the release of the blockbuster film Snakes on a Plane, but it would be irresponsible for us to think of a blockbuster movie without considering an equally epic sequel.

Therefore, I present to you “Robot Snakes on a Plane: You can’t kill us because we’re not really alive”

You can’t argue with that.

Here are some of the sequel titles that got scratched:

<ol>

    <li>Snakes on a Spaceship</li>
    <li>Salamanders in a Tent</li>
    <li>Bride of Snakes</li>
    <li>(Prequel:) Snakes in a Swamp</li>
    <li>United 93</li>

</ol>
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