Archive for the ‘Chris Lists’ Category

Condiment of Champions

Monday, May 1st, 2006

World’s Greatest Mustards:

DMV

Friday, December 30th, 2005

Going to the DMV is the worst thing ever. I’ve gone three times this week and aborted all three times, once because the line was way too long, once because it wasn’t open yet, and once because the projected wait was over an hour and a had a friend with me. By not having the time to do this, I’ve been denied entrance to two bars this week (tuh.)

Here are some things I’d rather do instead of go to the DMV:

  1. Anything.

Moving Office

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

Tommorow is moving day at the office. It should be a pretty nice upgrade.

Here are some things that make for a good office:

  1. Privacy. No half-wall bullshit where you have to see your co-worker every time either one of you stand up.
  2. Screen angle. When someone walks into your office, it’s best if your computer screen faces away from them. It is just annoying to have people seeing what you are doing all the time.
  3. Table space. The more of it you have, the easier it is to feel organized. Space, in general, encourages productivity. Taking note on top of a pile of paperwork that is on top of your lunch Tupperware is not.
  4. Simplicity. Eliminate the junk. Saving a printout of everything you’ve ever done at work is useless and cumbersome. Plus, if you are looking for something, it is most likely you need to find it on your computer to actually do something with it.

Crazy Spam

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

I am starting to miss the old days of normal spam. No longer is my junk mailbox filled with ways to make my penis longer, places to get cheap viagra, and horny farm animals looking to please.

Here are the subject lines from six junk emails I got today:

  1. ????????????(?)
  2. ¥þ°ê³Ì«K©yAV¼v¤ù¨C¤ù¤£¨ì10¤¸
  3. ¡½¡½±ÄÁÊ®w¦s¹q¤l¹s¥ó¡½¡½
  4. ¡» ­t¶Å«ü¼Æ¤Ó°ª¶Ü? Åý§Ú­Ì­°§C±zªºµh­W«ü¼Æ¡»¡»¡»
  5. ¡»¡»¡»¡»¡» ¤£¥Îµ¥¦~²×¼úª÷¡A²{¦b´N¸Ñ¨M±zªº­t¶Å°ÝÃD¡»¡»¡»¡»¡
  6. ¡»¡»¡»¡»¡»´î»´§A²ü¥]ªº­t¾á¡»¡»¡»¡»¡

Are those upside down exclimation points? WTF¡

Monday

Tuesday, December 27th, 2005

It sure was nice to have Monday off this week.

Here are some other days that would be sweet to have off:

  1. Today
  2. Tommorow
  3. Thursday
  4. Friday
  5. Next Monday
  6. The Rest Of My Life

Chrislist Eve

Saturday, December 24th, 2005

Happy Festivus, and Merry Chrislist Eve!

And now for the airing of the grievances:

  1. I am disappointed with TiVo for dropping the ball so intensely on not having a stand alone HD DVR and not supporting OS X Tiger. Do they not realize that a lot of their original customer base are nerds and like to stay on the cutting edge?
  2. I am disappointed with all the television networks for their unbelievable ability to cancel great shows and replace them with total swill. For not having the confidence it takes to let a great show grow. If they always succumb to instant ratings-based decisions, pretty soon we will have a whole new lineup every season of 15-minute celebrity makeovers and dancing seizure robots
  3. I am disappointed in my boss, for not realizing my genius and showering me with raises and bonuses.

For my feat of strength, I will punch George W. Bush in the balls.

Always Something

Friday, December 23rd, 2005

For crying in the wind, it’s always something isn’t it?

Here are some things it might be:

  1. Have gone to store three times and forgot to buy soap three times
  2. Lost favorite kick ass Firefly shirt
  3. Fucking burn won’t just heal
  4. Eaten alive by millions of ants (South America only)
  5. Have to kill big dumb friend before the townsfolk find him
  6. Change in cupholder all sticky and gross
  7. Trapped in closet with crazy robot who is practicin’ his stabbin’
  8. Pooping reindeer toy all out of poop candy
  9. Post-it note keeps falling off monitor
  10. Really need a relationship but are fat nerd

Gigs

Thursday, December 22nd, 2005

I play in a local band. We’ve been playing together for years and years, and as an official band for a little less than one year. When we don’t have a steady gig, we just take whatever comes along assuming it is convenient for everyone and we’ve covered all the bases. What are the bases? This should be brick-in-the-face obvious for people who claim to be music professionals or promoters, but we seem to have problems with it all the time.

  1. When. The date is the most important thing, as we all keep calendars and plan our lives in advance like all other people.
  2. When. What time does this little gig of yours kick off?
  3. When. What time would you like us to be there to make sure everything goes smoothly. (Can you tell time is the most important thing?)
  4. Where. Where is this place, EXACTLY?
  5. What. What type of place is it? What kind of event is it?
  6. How much. How much are you offering, or, would you like us to bid?
  7. Do we need to bring our PA, or is there equipment already?
  8. Is there food/drink available? Is there a band allotment of said food, or a discount?

If I was drafting an email to send to a band, I would include all of this information AT THE VERY LEAST. I would likely include even more information, including a healthy ‘thank you’ for even reading it. While being information-rich, it wouldn’t ramble and would be well-formatted.

Here is an example of a more typical email we get:

Hey guys-
I got a gig for you, do U want it or not?
-Blah Somebody McUseless

sigh.

Upconversion

Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

Samsung HD 850

There are a lot of folks out there with HDTV’s. Of course, us HD advocates want to watch as much content as we can at sweet, sweet, HD resolutions. But even our once-fancy Progressive Scan DVD Player only outputs at 480p. What’s a boy to do? Upconvert, that’s what.

A totally decent upconverting DVD player might cost you as little as $125. But before you go out and buy the first one you see at Best Buy, you need to do a little thinking about your current system.

What kind of inputs do you have on your HDTV?

My 32″ LCD has four HD inputs, one DVI, and three component. The DVI input is already being used by my Dish Network 811 receiver, so all I have left for HD inputs is component.

Most upconverting DVD players out there only offer upconversion out of the HDMI port (not component). This is not a bandwidth issue, component cables can certainly handle the data, it is that HDMI can support DRM (Digital Rights Management) and component cannot.

Here is a list of high-quality DVD Players that can offer you true upconversion over component:

  1. LG LDA 531 – I have no experience with this one, but I’ve heard it just works.

  2. Zenith DVD318 – If the build date is June ’05 or later, you need to downgrade the firmware. You should be able to find what you need googling around.

  3. Samsung DVD-HD 850 – You need to enter the a little crack to get this work. Make sure the DVD tray is empty and closed. On the remote, press ANGLE, then 4, 3, 2, 7. This turns off the HDCP, makes the player “region-free” and unlocks the upconversion feature to work over component cables. In the setup menus, the option to change the resolution is still greyed out and unchangeable, but the button on the remote control to change resolution works. I just bought an 850 this past weekend to check it out, works perfectly and looks great.

  4. NeuNeo – I’ve heard they make a pretty nice one, that is also region-free right out of the box.

Harnessing Energy

Monday, December 19th, 2005

Inventor Peter Hughes has created a brilliant new energy source. A metal ramp that when pushed down by passing cars, creates electricity.

The ramp is silent, comfortable and safe for vehicles,” Mr. Hughes said.

Here are some other ways to harness untapped energy sources:

  1. Bore into center of Earth, use molton core to power steam turbines
  2. Invent crazy machine that swirls water around super-fast and creates infinite energy before Government tries to kill you. Involve Morgan Freeman and a dolphin somehow
  3. Find a way to steal all the massive amounts of energy it takes Ashton Kutcher to try to act so cool all the time

King Kong

Friday, December 16th, 2005

I went to go see King Kong last night. I was a little tired to begin with, so the first hour or so was putting me right to sleep, but not to fret, almost the entire last two-thirds of the movie is high-power actionriffic. There was even a completely gratuitous scene in this rocky valley where the team fought off giant bugs for a good 10+ minutes.

I’ve been learing a lot at the theaters this week, here are some more things I learned:

  1. Giant apes love blondes, too
  2. King Kong vs. 3 Tyrannosaurus Rex’s: King Kong wins
  3. There are completely quiet streets and beautiful skating ponds in the middle of New York City with no other people whatsoever
  4. If you fall off the Empire State Building, you will die, but not splatter into oblivion, or in fact, even bleed
  5. Peter Jackson could pee in a cup and make money

Narnia

Thursday, December 15th, 2005

I saw the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe last night. I found it entirely enjoyable.

Here are some things that I learned:

  1. Even after 100 years of winter, there are only about 6 inches of fresh powder
  2. Little English Girls are cute
  3. Older English Girls are cute
  4. You can become a serious swordfighter in one day
  5. Lion Jesus is cooler than Regular Jesus
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