The personal website of Chris Coyier

First World Problems (Reworded)

Anytime you are about to bitch about something, you should think about just what it is exactly that you are saying.

First World Problem: We ran out of hot water this morning half way through my shower!

Reworded: I live in a dwelling that not only is spacious, keeps predators out, and is temperature controlled, but also has fresh, mineral-supplemented water pumped to into by underground tubes for just pennies a day. When it arrives, we liberally bath it in salt to “soften” it for our delicate skin and then heat it through controlled fires (from gas that is also pumped into our home from underground tubes). We use this hot water to clean and disinfect our dishes, wash our clothes and automobiles, and to force through specially designed dispersal nozzles above our heads to bathe us. I like to have hot water poured over my head in 30-minute sessions (about 50 gallons), any less and I get cranky!!!!

First Word Problem: I’m so starving!

Reworded: This morning all I had to eat was an Everything bagel freshly baked hours before I ate it, liberally smothered in Garden Herb cream cheese. That was about 9am, and it’s now 4pm and if I don’t get me some 7-Layer Nachos™ in the next ten minutes I’m going to be one angry bitch to the next person I see. I know my refrigerator and pantry are full of food, but it’s crap like Black Beans and Enchilada Sauce. What am I going to do with that?!

First Word Problem: My plane is delayed two hours!

Reworded: Just for shits and giggles, I’m travelling 2000 miles this weekend to see my friend. We’ll probably get shit-faced and pass out on his leather couches for two nights in a row. But in Denver, there is some stupid ice-storm and they say the connecting flight has to WAIT for TWO HOURS until it was safe enough to take off. I am so bored, there isn’t ANYTHING to do. So I call my other buddy (who is in China) right now on my cell phone and we talked about how Chinese chicks can be such prudes for a while. Then I have to PAY for internet access so I can check my email. All I get is some dumb email from my uncle with pictures of animal faces combined together. I am still bored so I go get BBQ mini-burgers at TGIF’s. They are so gross! But the waitress is hot so it is OK. FINALLY they called for boarding on our plane. GOD, this sucks!